Emotional Regulation in Children

Emotion Regulation

As parents, we’ve all been there—your child is happily playing, and you tell them it’s time for dinner. Suddenly, the world ends. Tears, yelling, maybe even flying toys. It feels like an overreaction to us, but for them, it’s a big deal. As both a parent and a behaviour analyst, I see these moments not as defiance, but as opportunities to teach emotion regulation skills. 

Understanding the Behaviour

From an ABA perspective, these reactions are often automatic—tied to a child’s developing brain, which struggles to regulate emotions in certain situations. When kids hit, scream, or throw things, it’s not necessarily because they don’t know how to behave—it’s because they don’t yet have the skills to handle the situation differently.

Take this example with my child. One night, I told him to stop playing with his cars and come to dinner. Instantly, he was upset—yelling and throwing toys. From his perspective, dinner was interrupting something important, and his reaction was automatic. Instead of just telling him, “No throwing toys,” I needed to understand what was happening beneath the surface.

Co-Regulation: Supporting Emotional Development

This is where co-regulation comes in. Co-regulation means we, as adults, help kids manage their emotions by modeling appropriate behaviours and language until they can do it on their own. Instead of focusing only on the behaviour (throwing), I looked at the antecedent (transitioning from play to dinner) and the function of the behaviour. In this case, his behaviour was likely an escape function—he didn’t want to stop playing, so he reacted in a way that (in the past) might have delayed the transition.

Digging Deeper: What’s Really Going On?

Here’s where I ask myself: Why was this transition so hard? Was he in the middle of building something? Does this happen every night, or was this just a rough day? This is the difference between a skill deficit (he lacks the ability to transition smoothly) and a performance issue (he knows what to do but struggles in the moment).

I also think about the “bucket” analogy. Kids have an emotional bucket that fills up throughout the day—little stressors, frustrations, changes in routine. When the bucket overflows, even small requests (like coming to dinner) can feel overwhelming.

Teaching the Skills (Before the Meltdown)

Once I notice a pattern, I know it’s time to teach skills proactively. The best time to work on emotional regulation is not in the middle of a meltdown—it’s during calm, quiet moments.

At bedtime, when my kids are more open to talking, I might say, “Hey, earlier you were really upset when it was time to eat. What was going on?” I’ll help them find words for their feelings: “It sounds like you were frustrated because you weren’t done building the track. Next time, you can say, ‘I need a few more minutes to finish this track.’”

If I know transitions are tricky, I’ll practice with them. Maybe we role-play stopping a fun activity and asking for more time in a calm way. I’ll also problem-solve with them: “Was it that you wanted to finish building? Maybe we can set a ‘pause spot’ for your Legos so you know you can come back to them after dinner.”

In the Moment: How I Handle Escalations

Even with practice, big emotions still happen. When my child starts escalating, my job is to stay calm and model the language we’ve practiced. Instead of saying, “Stop yelling and throwing!” I might say, “You can ask for more time—try saying, ‘Can I finish adding these blocks first?’”

Often, as parents, we can predict when a hard moment is coming. When I know that a hard moment is likely, I’ll provide support right away by modeling the strategy we’ve come up with and giving them the language.

Another big piece? Reinforcement. If my child uses his words instead of throwing toys, I want to acknowledge it: “I love how you asked for more time instead of yelling. That was awesome!” And when I can say yes, I do: “Sure, take five more minutes—we’re not in a rush.” If I can’t, I validate and help him cope: “I know it’s frustrating to stop now, but dinner is ready. Let’s plan how you can finish after we eat.” 

After the Moment: Repair and Planning for Next Time

Sometimes, we as parents don’t handle these moments perfectly either. Maybe we were frustrated, snapped, or had a big reaction ourselves. That’s okay—what matters is what we do next.

After everyone has calmed down, it helps to revisit what happened; I find at night is the best time in my family. I might say, “Hey, earlier we both got upset when it was time for dinner. Let’s talk about it.” This gives my child space to share their feelings while I validate their perspective: “I get it—you were having fun and didn’t want to stop.” Then, I can also share my own point of view: “Dinner was ready, and I needed you to come to the table so we could eat together because we were going to see your friend after dinner.”

From there, we work together on a plan for next time. Maybe we agree that I’ll give a warning before transitions, or that they’ll use words to ask for extra time. Whatever the plan, the key is making sure they feel heard while also setting clear 

Final Thoughts

At the end of the day, our job as parents isn’t just to stop behaviours—it’s to teach skills. Using ABA principles like assessing why the behaviour is happening, planning for reinforcement, and modeling, we can help our kids learn to regulate their emotions and communicate their needs. The goal isn’t perfection (for them or us), but progress. And with time, patience, and practice, these big reactions will become smaller, and our kids will build the skills they need to navigate life’s frustrations a little more smoothly.

Want support with your child’s emotional regulation? We’re here to support you every step of the way! Call us at (519) 800-3483.